And a working day. And a day for watching Bones while I do necessary things.

I’m feeling good this morning. Yesterday was a difficult day at times, but today’s a new day. I feel like I can get things done today. :-)

I have been so distracted. There are a lot of new things happening right now. My son’s got a new summer schedule that we’re trying to adjust to, I’ve got actual paying work to do, and my house is coming along beautifully—so much cleaner now that I have the time and motivation to do it properly.

Plus, I’ve had this whole thing going on.

I haven’t stopped what I’ve been doing, though! I’m still doing P90X. It’s still mostly kicking my butt. Oh, Plyo, y u so meen? 

On Father’s Day, I ate some crap food. Ham, macaroni and cheese, cornbread dressing, macaroni and cheese, sugar free pineapple pie, and…well, did I mention macaroni and cheese?

Homemade mac and cheese is my favorite, which is why I’m grateful there wasn’t much left for us to bring home. By the end of the day Sunday, it was gone.

Yesterday was mostly good. I had a few leftovers, but in moderation (mostly ham) and with much better choices all around.

Off to be productive. <3

So far, back-to-business Tuesday’s a success.

Food-wise, totally on target. Oatmeal and tea for breakfast, tuna salad sandwich (with hummus and mustard instead of mayo and a crapton of chopped up zucchini) and half of a leftover grilled corn-on-the cob for lunch.

Water-wise, shoot, I got that one in the bag. 64oz and the kids aren’t even home from school yet. Going for at least 100oz today.

This is the week of pre-summer cleaning, and I actually woke up pretty motivated, which helps in a REALLY big way. Two loads of laundry left and some vacuuming and mopping, and we should be off to a good start. 

Yay for Tuesdays? :-D

My husband came home from work yesterday and picked up all the trash in our bathroom before I realized what he was doing. If the main bathroom was the easy one, our bathroom was the impossible one (to me). Now it feels a lot more manageable.

Awesome husband is awesome. :-)

THANK YOU all of you who sent me messages of encouragement today! You don’t know how many times I came back and read through them again. Talk about motivation and encouragement! <3

Three things I learned today:

1. I have more hoarding tendencies than I realized. I found things I had held onto for bizarre reasons tied to feelings of failure that would take a long time to explain.

I threw them all out—some went easily, some took rushing through it like tearing off a band-aid. I’m satisfied, though. I don’t miss anything I threw away.

2. I make things way worse off in my head than they actually are. I’m sure I will run into things in this house that are just as bad as I think they are, but I think I’ll run into even more things that aren’t.

Under the bathroom sink was difficult, but it wasn’t because the mess was bad, it was because facing it made me deal with feelings of failure, and once it was clean, those feelings were gone.

3. My husband is the best support I could ask for. He doesn’t make me feel bad or guilty for the mess. He doesn’t make me feel silly for the process I have to go through to do this. He prayed for me and encouraged me all day long, and even washed the mirrors while he was home for lunch. :-D

This next step is a doozy for me. Runenvy encouraged me to take pictures, and I did. And I’m going to share them here. It scares me, it shames me to admit how much things have gone downhill around here. I’ve done a very good job (mostly) of hiding the worst of it.

But my pastor said one time that anything you feel compelled to hide has power over you, and I refuse to let it. 

BEFORE

Bathroom:

Bathroom closet:

Under the sink:

AFTER

Bathroom:

Bathroom closet:

Under the sink:

People have this idea that if you have OCD you’re a neat freak. Sometimes the opposite is true (hoarding is an obsessive behavior!). For me, it’s this mindset that I can’t have it the way I think it should be, so I shut it out to the point of not realizing just how bad it is. 

I’ve known this is a problem for a long time. A counselor brought it to my attention years ago, but knowing about it and taking responsibility for it are two entirely different things (after all, I knew I was overweight for 15 years before I started doing something about it).

I’m committed to working through this, but it’s just like weight loss. In fact, it’s more terrifying than weight loss for me. I can feel panic attacks waiting around the corner. But I’m going to apply the things I’ve learned through weight loss to this.

• I’m going to take baby steps.
• I’m going to celebrate small victories.
• I’m going to allow myself to fail (that one’s tricky). 
• I’m going to force myself to face the hard stuff (freaking me out, honestly).
• I’m going to look at things the way they really are.

My husband says I have to forgive myself for where I am so I can move forward. Mom guilt is powerful, guys. He and I are Christians, and he reminded me last night that if I believe Jesus can forgive me for anything I’ve done, why should I hold a grudge against myself? That one kind of hit me hard.

So it starts today. It starts in one of the easiest rooms to clean to give me a victory: our main bathroom.

My goals for the bathroom today are:

• Clean out the linen closet. It has dirty clothes and empty Liquid Plumber bottles and a box of CD cases in it.
• Clean out from under the sink. I’ve avoided that area for a long time, so the idea of facing it makes my stomach turn.
• Scrub the floors.
• Scrub the sink.
• Scrub the bathtub.

Just like exercise and nutrition, I need accountability, I need motivation. If you have any encouragement or pro tips for me, send them my way!