I feel a lot better physically. My cold is gone except for some left over sinus congestion, and I even got to run again yesterday, beating my best Monday Mile time by 2 seconds (13:08, yay!).

I’ve had a pretty bad OCD flareup this week, which is why I haven’t been here. It’s hard to explain, but coming back to Tumblr after a week of not logging in caused me some serious anxiety. I’m feeling strong today, though, so I put on my big girl pants and came back.

I owe a big apology to Marisol for leaving her high and dry the past couple of weeks. I haven’t been a very good buddy. :-/

I think I’m back on track now, but to keep myself there, here are my goals for the rest of the week:

• 2 strength training workouts
• 1 run
• 10k walk
• 80+ oz of water every day
• All clean clothes folded
• All dishes washed every day
• Master bath sink scrubbed down

I want to get rolling again. One week off is enough!

I’m not really up to social media today, but I wanted to stop by and say thanks for the responses to my post earlier. I needed that encouragement badly. After a victory and my husband (aka Superman) stepping in to help, I’m feeling a lot better. 

Outside the house isn’t looking so good to me right now, but I’m going to go kill a 30 minute gazelle workout and drink some water!

Thank you, guys. <3

THANK YOU all of you who sent me messages of encouragement today! You don’t know how many times I came back and read through them again. Talk about motivation and encouragement! <3

Three things I learned today:

1. I have more hoarding tendencies than I realized. I found things I had held onto for bizarre reasons tied to feelings of failure that would take a long time to explain.

I threw them all out—some went easily, some took rushing through it like tearing off a band-aid. I’m satisfied, though. I don’t miss anything I threw away.

2. I make things way worse off in my head than they actually are. I’m sure I will run into things in this house that are just as bad as I think they are, but I think I’ll run into even more things that aren’t.

Under the bathroom sink was difficult, but it wasn’t because the mess was bad, it was because facing it made me deal with feelings of failure, and once it was clean, those feelings were gone.

3. My husband is the best support I could ask for. He doesn’t make me feel bad or guilty for the mess. He doesn’t make me feel silly for the process I have to go through to do this. He prayed for me and encouraged me all day long, and even washed the mirrors while he was home for lunch. :-D

This next step is a doozy for me. Runenvy encouraged me to take pictures, and I did. And I’m going to share them here. It scares me, it shames me to admit how much things have gone downhill around here. I’ve done a very good job (mostly) of hiding the worst of it.

But my pastor said one time that anything you feel compelled to hide has power over you, and I refuse to let it. 

BEFORE

Bathroom:

Bathroom closet:

Under the sink:

AFTER

Bathroom:

Bathroom closet:

Under the sink:

People have this idea that if you have OCD you’re a neat freak. Sometimes the opposite is true (hoarding is an obsessive behavior!). For me, it’s this mindset that I can’t have it the way I think it should be, so I shut it out to the point of not realizing just how bad it is. 

I’ve known this is a problem for a long time. A counselor brought it to my attention years ago, but knowing about it and taking responsibility for it are two entirely different things (after all, I knew I was overweight for 15 years before I started doing something about it).

I’m committed to working through this, but it’s just like weight loss. In fact, it’s more terrifying than weight loss for me. I can feel panic attacks waiting around the corner. But I’m going to apply the things I’ve learned through weight loss to this.

• I’m going to take baby steps.
• I’m going to celebrate small victories.
• I’m going to allow myself to fail (that one’s tricky). 
• I’m going to force myself to face the hard stuff (freaking me out, honestly).
• I’m going to look at things the way they really are.

My husband says I have to forgive myself for where I am so I can move forward. Mom guilt is powerful, guys. He and I are Christians, and he reminded me last night that if I believe Jesus can forgive me for anything I’ve done, why should I hold a grudge against myself? That one kind of hit me hard.

So it starts today. It starts in one of the easiest rooms to clean to give me a victory: our main bathroom.

My goals for the bathroom today are:

• Clean out the linen closet. It has dirty clothes and empty Liquid Plumber bottles and a box of CD cases in it.
• Clean out from under the sink. I’ve avoided that area for a long time, so the idea of facing it makes my stomach turn.
• Scrub the floors.
• Scrub the sink.
• Scrub the bathtub.

Just like exercise and nutrition, I need accountability, I need motivation. If you have any encouragement or pro tips for me, send them my way!